Hey Black Child…
When I think of my childhood there are a lot of nuances. Through pictures and anecdotes it would seem that I had a normal middle class upbringing in New Jersey. I experienced all the distinctions of being a part of the Black Middle Class in the 90’s; my own room, annual vacations, and private schooling. I remember constantly being reminded by my elders how “privileged” I was to experience these luxuries but also distinctly aware that I never really felt safe or happy. Since everyone convinced me that I had every comfort in life and no real worries, I just believed that this unhappiness I felt was because I was a defective human. I recall an overwhelming feeling of “I don’t belong here” since the age of six.
Through therapy and the development of my relationship with Spirit, I began to work through these feelings. I realized that no matter what I was facing I had the power to change my circumstances in some way. My therapist also gave me the space and insight to explore why I was unhappy in my childhood. They helped me find the language to say that even though I was well provided for throughout my childhood I still experienced abuse and neglect.
I won’t go into the specifics for my childhood trauma but I will say that I’m still working on resentment around my parents’ inability to protect me from violent people. Simultaneously, I’m also healing from the moments where the verbal abuse came from them directly, while still upholding the Abrahamic principle of “ honor thy mother and father”.
Understanding this feeling is really exhausting to say the very least. I would liken this feeling to attempting to fix a gushing sink without first turning off the water source. I am distinctly aware of how my upbringing is negatively affecting how I interact and relate with others and it’s up to me, in my adulthood, to undo the harmful habits I was raised with in real time. A CHALLENGE!
I’ve finally gotten to a place with my parents where I’m ready to speak my truth no matter how it will be received. I’m ready to work on releasing the resentment, guilt, anger, and disappointment I have surrounding the way I was raised. I’m ready to work on improving my relationships with the people that offer me grace and compassion as I work through these issues. I’m hopeful that a healing can happen within myself and subsequently with my parents on some level. Even if my expectations of this ideal parental relationship are never met, these experiences have allowed me to see myself with an awareness I’d never thought I would be able to achieve. I’m learning to say with my heart and being; “I am my own person”, and for the first time in a very long while I’m actually taking a pause and really getting into who that is.
